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In Giving I Connect with Others
I have lived with passion and in a hurry, trying to accomplish too many things. I never had time to think about my beliefs until my 28-year-old daughter Paula fell ill. She was in a coma for a year and I took care of her at home, until she died in my arms in December of 1992.
During that year of agony and the following year of my grieving, everything stopped for me. There was nothing to do -- just cry and remember. However, that year also gave an opportunity to reflect upon my journey and the principles that hold me together. I discovered that there is consistency in my beliefs, my writing and the way I lead my life. I have not changed, I am still the same girl I was fifty years ago, and the same young woman I was in the seventies. I still lust for life, I am still ferociously independent, I still crave justice and I fall madly in love easily.
Paralyzed and silent in her bed, my daughter Paula taught me a lesson that is now my mantra: You only have what you give. It"s by spending yourself that you become rich.
Paula led a life of service. She worked as a volunteer helping women and children, eight hours a day, six days a week. She never had any money, but she needed very little. When she died she had nothing and she needed nothing. During her illness I had to let go of everything: her laughter, her voice, her grace, her beauty, her company and finally her spirit. When she died I thought I had lost everything. But then I realized I still had the love I had given her. I don"t even know if she was able to receive that love. She could not respond in any way, her eyes were somber pools that reflected no light. But I was full of love and that love keeps growing and multiplying and giving fruit.
The pain of losing my child was a cleansing experience. I had to throw overboard all excess baggage and keep only what is essential. Because of Paula, I don"t cling to anything anymore. Now I like to give much more than to receive. I am happier when I love than when I am loved. I adore my husband, my son, my grandchildren, my mother, my dog, and frankly I don"t know if they even like me. But who cares? Loving them is my joy.
Give, give, give -- what is the point of having experience, knowledge or talent if I don"t give it away? Of having stories if I don"t tell them to others? Of having wealth if I don"t share it? I don"t intend to be cremated with any of it! It is in giving that I connect with others, with the world and with the divine.
It is in giving that I feel the spirit of my daughter inside me, like a soft presence.
作者简介：小说作家伊莎贝尔·阿兰德（Isabel Allende）在秘鲁出生，在智利成长。1973年她的叔叔，智利总统萨尔瓦多·阿兰德（Salvador Allende）遭刺杀后，她和丈夫、孩子逃往委内瑞拉。Allende已经创作了十几本小说，包括：《幽灵之家》（The House of the Spirits）和《我虚构的国家》（My Invented Country）。她最近出版的小说有：《佐罗》（Zorro: A Novel）和她的童话三部曲的最后一部《侏儒森林》（Forest of the Pygmies）。
我总是生活在激情和匆忙之中，想做太多的事。直到我28岁的女儿保拉（Paula）病倒，我才抽出时间去思考我的信仰。她昏迷了整整一年，我在家照料她，直到1992年12月，她在我怀中死去。
在那一年的痛苦和接下来整整一年的悲恸中，我生活中的一切都停止了。我什么都不做——只是哭泣和回忆。然而，这一年也使我得以回顾走过的人生，思考那些支撑我的信念。我发现我的信念原则、我的作品风格和我的生活方式是一贯的。我没有改变，我仍然是五十年前那个女孩，仍然是七十年代那个姑娘。我仍然渴望真正的生活，仍然保持极端的独立，仍然追求正义，仍然轻易地陷入热恋之中。
瘫痪在床、昏迷不醒的女儿教会我并使我坚信的是：给予什么，就拥有什么。只有付出能使人富有。
女儿的一生都在付出。她是一个帮助妇女和儿童的志愿者，风雨无阻。她没有多少收入，但她所求甚少。在她去世的时候，一无所有，她也一无所求。在她卧床期间，我眼睁睁地看着她的一切都离我远去：她的笑貌，她的音容，她的婉约，她的娇美，她的陪伴，甚至她的灵魂。当她去世的时候，我以为我已经一无所有了。可是后来我意识到，我仍然拥有我给予她的爱。我甚至不知道那个时候她能否感受到我的爱。她无法作出任何反应，她的双眼就像浑浊的水潭，没有一丝光泽。但我心中充满了爱，这种爱生生不息，开花结果。
失去爱女之痛对我而言是一种净化。我必须剔除那些无谓的累赘，留下生命的精髓。因为女儿，我不再是那个什么事情都放不下的人。如今，我希望给予甚于受赠。爱人比被爱更让我欣喜。我爱丈夫，爱儿子，爱孙子，爱母亲，爱我的狗。说实话，我甚至不知道他们是不是喜欢我。但我不在乎，爱他们我就很开心。
给予，给予，给予——如果不彰显，那些经验、学识和天赋有何意义？如果不讲述，那些经历过的故事有何意义？如果不分享，那些财富又有何意义？我可不打算将这些带进棺材。在给予中，我与他人紧紧相连，与世界紧紧相连，与上帝紧紧相连。
在给予中，我仿佛感到女儿的灵魂悄悄地醒来，与我紧紧相连..
[责编：胡月]
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